WORKING MOTHER		November 1990
230 Park Avenue, New York, N.Y.  10169

pg. 48
Title:  The Comfort and Joy of Family Rituals
Subheader:  TRADITIONS BRING US CLOSER AND CREATE THE STUFF OF
	MEMORIES
By: Dena K. Salmon

1st column	1st paragraph to top of pg. 50
SAY THE WORD "RITUAL" AND YOU ARE LIKELY TO CONJURE UP IMAGES OF A
MYSTERIOUS ANCIENT RITE WHERE EVERY PHRASE AND MOTION HAS BEEN USED
FOR CENTURIES.  IN FAMILIES, HOWEVER, NEW RITUALS CAN BE BORN DAILY,
IN A FLASH OF SHEER INSPIRATION- OR SOMETIMES OUT OF DESPERATION.  MY
FRIEND BARBARA LIKES TO RECALL ONE SUCH FAMILY RITUAL THAT WAS CREATED
ON A CHRISTMAS EVE WHEN SHE AND HER FOUR BROTHERS WERE RUNNING WILE
THROUGH THE HOUSE.  My mother, at her wit's end grabbed hold of us,
stuffed us into our snowsuits and boots, and ordered us into the
station wagon.  IN A RATHER TERRIBLE VOICE, SHE ANNOUNCED THAT WE WERE
GOING TO WISH ON THE CHRISTMAS STAR, AND ANY CHILD WHO WANTED A
SPECIAL WISH GRANTED HAD BETTER COME ALONG.  She and my father took us
on a long, cold drive through the country until we reached an open
field that was utterly silent and covered with snow.  WE ALL WALKED
OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD, QUIETLY BREATHING IN THE PEACEFUL
SCENE, FULL OF ANTICIPATION.  My mother explained that on Christmas
Eve, the wishing star appeared.  IF WE FOUND THIS STAR AND MADE OUR
WISH, IT WOULD CERTAINLY BE GRANTED.  We each picked the brightest
astar in a sky that seemed filled with a million possiblities and then
we drove home, singing Christmas carols all the way.  THE ADVENTURE
ENDED WITH CINNAMON TOAST AND HOT CHOCOLATE IN THE KITCHEN, AND WE ALL
WENT TO BED WONDERING WHETHER OUR WISHES WOULD COME TRUE."

Subheader:
THE HEART OF RITUALS

2nd column	1st paragraph
THE FEELING OF BELONGING THAT ALL OF THIS ENGENDERS IS AS HEADY AS
BEING ONE OF THE "IN" CROWD DURING HIGH SCHOOL.  "CHILDREN THRIVE ON
THE SENSE THAT THEY ARE PART OF A SPECIAL GROUP THAT IS
DISTINGUISHABLE FROM ALL OTHERS," OBSERVES ZEITLIN.  SHARING A FAMILY
JOKE OR HEARING A PARENT USE A PHRASE THAT THE CHILD HAS INVENTED
GIVES A KID A GREAT FEELING OF BEING INCLUDED."

2nd paragraph
Family rituals can also make difficult everyday transitions, such as
saying good night, more bearable.  "A bedtime ritual helps children
make the transition from conscious life into the dream world," says
Janine Roberts, EdD, associate professor in family therapy at the
University of Massachusetts, and co-editor of Rituals in Families and
Family Therapy (Norton).  "It helps children make the separation from
their parents and provides comfort," Roberts explains.  "NEARLY EVERY
CHILD FINDS IT SOOTHING TO KNOW EXACTLY HOW HE AND MOMMY WILL BEHAVE
WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED.  First, he'll have a bath and brush his
teeth.  Then he'll hear two stories.  After that, a good-night kiss
and lights out."  The sameness of the ritual carries comfort, security
and the unspoken message that since the end of the day is predictable,
the orning will be predictable too.  Parents and child will all be
there to greet each other after successfully weathering the night.

Subheader:
YOU SAY GOODBYE, I'LL SAY HELLO

3rd column	2nd paragraph
Although it is unlikely that those two families will ever find a
comfortable way to greet each other, ritual behavior in families can
and does change over time.  ACCORDING TO JOAN LAIRD, MSW, PROFESSOR OF
SOCIAL WORK AT SMITH COLLEGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST IN PRIVATE PRACTICE,
WE NEED TO BE AWARE OF WHICH PARTS OF OUR RITUALS REMAIN MEANINGFUL
AND WHICH MIGHT BE ALTERED.  "If a ritual is rigidly adhered to
despite the changed going on in a familyk, the ritual will be a
negative force,: Laird says.  "However, if all members of the family
are able to adapt to or even turn away from `worn-out' rituals, new
and equally meaningful ones will evolve."  Thus, the important bedtime
ritual will be thrust aside when the child no longer fears the night,
and a teenager will forgo the traditional Saturday bagel supper in
favor of going out with friends.

3rd paragraph
CHILDREN CAN COME UP WITH SURPRISINGLY CREATIVE WAYS OF ALTERING OR
ADAPTING A FAMILY RITUAL.  When Darlene Kaczmarczyk and her sister
were in high schol, they rebelled against going to church on Sunday
and secretly relaed mass with a new ritual.  UNBEKNOWNST TO THEIR
PARENTS, THEY WOULD DRIVE TO THE DETROIT INSTITUTE OF ART RATHER THAN
CHURCH AND SPEND AN HOUR CONTEMPLATING A BEAUTIFULLY LIGHTED ROOM
RILLED WITH DIEGO RIVERA MURALS.  "MY PARENTS WOULD HAVE A STROKE IF
THEY HAD KNOWN, YET OUR RIVERA-WATCHING RITUAL WAS COMPLETELY
SPIRITUAL IN ITS OWN WAY," SAYS DARLENE.

Subheader:
STAYING POWER- AND HUMOR

Subheader:
FOOD IS A CENTRAL FEATURE

pg. 52		2nd column	2nd paragraph
Not everyone has such an elaborage set of family activities or
traditions, but most people do have rituals that connect them to their
famiy history.  For one woman, the family connection is made with a
can of cranberry sauce.  "My mother wasn't much of a cook- the turkey
was always nearly raw or burnt, the stuffing was inedible- but we
could always depend on Ocean Spray.  IT BECAME A FAMILY JOKE, AND NOW
I CANNOT CONTEMPLATE A THANKSGIVING DINNER WITHOUT THOSE PERFECT
ROUNDS OF JELLIED CRANBERRY.  This is what makes me feel like home.  I
never go to anyone's Thanksgiving dinner without a can of cranberry
sauce in my purse, just in case the hosts serve only fancy relishes or
homemade sauce," she admits with a sheepish laugh.

Subheader:
WHEN TRADITIONS MUST CHANGE

3rd column	2nd paragraph
One way to keep rituals meaningful is to involve the entire family as
much as possible.  I KNOW OF A LARGE SOUTHERN FAMILY WHO ALWAYS
CELEBRATED CHRISTMAS WITH A HUGE DINNER, THE ADULTS AT ONE TABLE AND
THE KIDS AT ANOTHER.  But the segregation didn't stop at age- the
family served two separate Christmas dinners.  The adults tucked into
the usual ham, sweet potatoes, biscuits and brown gravy, but the
children were allowed to create and prepare their own menu- with no
adult veto allowed.  One year, the kids invented an all-chocolate
menu:  chocolate-syrup soup accompanied by chocolate-covered graham
crackers, white and dark chocolate-dipped orange slices with a side
dish of Milk Duds, and chocolate cake for dessert.  No matter that
every child became slightly ill from this feast.  These were children
of nutritionists, sworn off white flower and refined sugar for most of
the year, and no amount of stomach upset could take away from the
sweet taste of freedom.  Christmas Day meant family participation,
nutritional anarchy and complete gustatory satisfaction.

3rd paragraph
Rituals like these are part of the glue that holds a family together,
a way of communicating intimacy and love and security.  They define us
as culture, as a family and as individuals; they change as we change.
BUT WHATEVER FORM THEY TAKE, FAMILY RITUALS ARE A WONDERFUL GIFT THAT
WE GIVE TO OURSELVES:  A CONSTANT, RENEWING SENSE OF WHO WE ARE.

bottom of pg. 53
Advertisement:  Barbie

The limited edition 1990 Happy Holidays Barbie doll.  A GIFT THAT WILL
MAKE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON LIVE FOREVER IN YOUR CHILD'S MEMORY.

pg. 57
Title:  How Babies Fall In Love
Subheader:  DON'T BELIEVE THE MYTHS YOU HEAR ABOUT BONDING.  HERE'S
	HOW THE TIES BETWEEN A MOTHER AND A BABY TRULY FORM
By:  Eva Conrad

1st column	1st paragraph
"When I went into labor I remember thinking, `Finally, I'll be able to
see my baby!'  I was so eager for that wonderous moment of bonding.
Just me and my baby in a glow of true love.  Everything in the delivery
room was perfect.  I had the right doctor, the right music and my
husband by my side.  Everything was just the way we'd planned- except
my feelings.  I was more exhausted than I had ever been before.
Holding my baby should have been one of the greatest events in my
life, but when they placed Eric on my abdomen, there was no magic
spark.  AT THAT MOMENT I HAD THE AWFUL FEELING THAT I WOULD BE A
TERRIBLE MOTHER."
			-Patsy, age 25

2nd paragraph
"My daughter Amy was in intensive care for two weeks after she was
born, so I never got to bond with her.  I think that's why we're
having these battles now that Amy is four."
			-Melissa, age 31

3rd paragraph
LIKE PATSY AND MELISSA, MANY WOMEN HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THEIR ABILITY TO
BE PROPER MOTHERS BECAUSE THEY DID NOT "BOND" WITH THEIR INFANTS IN
THE FIRST FEW HOURS AFTER BIRTH.  But once you separate the facts and
fiction about bonding, it becomes clear that forging a strong
emotional bond with your infant doesn't take place in any one magical
moment but over the course of many ordinary days in which you get to
know and love your new baby.  The process is slower, but also simpler
and more pleasurable than you may have imagined.

4th paragraph to top of pg. 58
The advocates of bonding argue that an intense, lifelong emotional tie
forms btween a mother and her baby during the first moments of
skin-to-skin contact after childbirth.  The notion of bonding took
shape in the 1940s as a reaction against the sterile hospital practice
of whisking newborns away from their mothers right after birth.
BONDING EVOLVED AS PART OF THE "NATURAL CHILDBIRTH" MOVEMENT, WHOSE
AIM WAS TO MAKE THE PARENTS AND CHILD, RATHER THAN THE HOSPITAL STAFF,
THEKEY PLAYERS IN THE CHILDBIRTH PROCESS.  And it worked.  This
back-to-basics approach to childbirth has reversed some intrusive
hospital procedures.  Parents are now encouraged to hold their babies
immediately after birth, get acquainted and assume as much of the
baby's care as possible during the hospital stay.  Many hospitals
instituted the practice of rooming-in- supported by such authorities
as Drs. Benjamin Spock and Grantly Dick-Read, author of Childbirth
Without Fear (Harper & Row)- as one way to promote bonding.

Subheader:
BONDING MYTHS AROUSE GUILT

pg. 58		1st column	2nd paragraph
Those first moments after birth often can't live up to expectations.
Nine Barrett, author of I Wish Someone Had Told Me (Simon & Schuster),
interviewed 63 new mothers and discovered that their experiences
rarely matched the lovely pictures painted by books and medical
experts.  "There is an outrageous amount of pressure to make bonding
happen," says Barrett.  FOR EXAMPLE, ONE COUPLE TOOK TURNS WALKING AND
HOLDING THEIR INFANT FOR THE FIRST THREE DAYS AND NIGHTS THEY WERE
HOME ROM THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE THEY BELIEVED THAT A BABY MUST BE
ENCIRCLED BY HUMAN ARMS FOR SEVERAL DAYS IN ORDER TO BECOME BONDED.
"There is no prescription for how to bond, and such
`just-follow-the-instructions' approaches to emotions are almost
always destined to fail," Barrett says.

3rd paragraph
In a study of bonding led by John Pascoe, MD, at the University of
Wisconsin Hospital and Clinics department of pediatrics, most of the
mothers (81 percent) spent the first hour after childbirth holding
their infant.  But only a few of these women felt a surge of intense
"love" or "bonding" during that hour.  The mothers' feelings depended
on many factors other than the simple contact with their newborns.
THEIR DESIRE TO HAVE A CHILD, THE LENGTH OF LABOR, THEIR FATIGUE OR
DROWSINESS DUE TO ANESTHETICS AND THE PRESENCE OF THEIR PARTNERS IN
THE DELIVERY ROOM ALL STRONGLY COLORED THE MOTHERS' FEELINGS OF LOVE
AND JOY.

Subheader:
THE EVIDENCE AGAINST INSTANT BONDING

2nd column	3rd paragraph
Every adopted child who is loved and grows into a loving adult is
another testimony against the notion that hormones cause mothers- and
fathers- to feel close to their children.  OBSERVES DR. SCARR, "I HAVE
ALSO SEEN NORMALLY DELIVERED INFANTS WHOSE MOTHERS WERE NOT
ENTHUSIASTIC IN THE SLIGHTEST ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW THEIR BABIES.  The
mother-infant relationship begins in the first days of life, but it
has a long way to go from there."

6th paragraph to the top of 3rd column
But the process of forming human attachments is not as simple as
imprinting.  "PARENTS WHO ARE SEPARATED FROM THEIR BABIES AT FIRST
BECAUSE THEY ARE BORN PREMATURELY OR WITH A SERIOUS ILLNESS DO NOT
HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FORMING A SOLID ATTACHMENT," SAYS SHERI HAWKINS, A
NURSE MANAGER OF THE NEWBORN INTENSIVE-CARE UNIT AT LOMA LINDA MEDICAL
CENTER IN CALIFORNIA.  "After-birth bonding is not essential for
developing a successful long-term relationship."

3rd column	1st paragraph
TODAY, MOST PROFESSINALS REGARD THE ORIGINAL IDEAS OF HUMAN BONDING
WITH DISDAIN.  "IT IS ABSURD TO THINK THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR
BABY MIGHT FALTER OR FAIL BECAUSE NO LIGHTNING BOLT BONDED YOU
TOGETHER ON THE DELIVERY TABLE," SAYS PENELOPE LEACH, PHD, IN YOUR
BABY AND CHILD:  FROM BIRTH TO AGE FIVE (ALFRED A KNOPF).

2nd paragraph
"I DISPUTE THE NOTION THAT THERE IS ONE MOMENT TO BOND.  I DISAGREE
THAT, AS THE WORD SUGGESTS, THERE IS AN EPOXY GLUELIKE FUSION BINDING
TOGETHER MOTHER OR FATHER AND CHILD," WRITES ELLEN GALINSKY, PAST
PRESIDENT OF THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR THE EDUCATION OF YOUNG
CHILDREN, IN THE PRESCHOOL YEARS (TIMES BOOKS).

Subheader:
FALLING IN LOVE- SLOWLY

Subheader:
THE THREE ROOTS OF ATTACHMENT

Subheader:
GETTING ACQUAINTED

pg. 60		3rd column	3rd paragraph
AT FIRST, YOUR BABY IS A STRANGER YOU NEED TO GET TO KNOW.  Some
babies are quick to awaken, and others start the day slowly.  Some are
curious, always moving and looking about, while others have a narrower
range of focus.  Some are easily soothed, and others are colicky.
REGARDLESS OF YOUR BABY'S TEMPERAMENT, THE FIRST STEP IN ESTABLISHING
AN ATTACHMENT IS TO UNDERSTAND AND RESPECT YOUR BABY'S OWN UNIQUE
RHYTHM, SAY T. BERRY BRAZELTON, MD, AND BERTRAND CRAMER, MD,
PEDIATRICIANS AND COAUTHORS OF THE EARLIEST RELATIONSHIP
(ADDISON-WESLEY).

pg. 62		1st column	1st paragraph
AS YOU BECOME FAMILIAR WITH YOUR BABY'S NEEDS AND RHTHM AND AS YOU
GIVE HER WHAT SHE NEEDS, SHE WILL FEEL SAFE AND SECURE.  "It is in the
everyday moments of infancy- of holding, feeding, exchanging smiles
and looks- that attachments takes root.  It is in the everyday moments
of the preschool years- of talking and playing together- that
attachment grows strong.  It is in the everyday moments throughout
childhood that this relationship is formed through the inevitale
periods of holding on, letting go and coming together in new ways,"
observes Galinsky.

Subheader:
EXPECT SOME AMBIVALENCE

2nd column	1st paragraph
Life with a new baby- as with any person- has ups and downs.  The
ambivalence you can expect to feel is not a myth.  "I FOUND MYSELF
CALLING MY HUSBAND AT THE OFFICE AND SAYING, `SHE'S SCREAMING AND I
CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.  Could you please just come home and take
her!'" says one of the mothers profiled in Barrett's book.

2nd paragraph
YOU'LL WANT TO BE WITH YOUR CHILD, AND YET YOU'LL HAVE FANTASIES OF
ESCAPING.  But do not misinterpret your feelings- this desire to take
a break does not mean you don't love your baby or that you're an
inadequate parent.

3rd paragraph
"Crying at the end of the day often serves as a necessary outlet and
discharge for a baby's nervous system after an exciting but
overwhelming day," says Dr. Brazelton.  "THIS CRYING CAN EASILY BE
PERCEIVED AS A SIGN OF FAILURE BY HARASSED, INEXPERIENCED PARENTS."
But you are not failing, Brazelton says.  YOU'RE JUST FOLLOWING THE
SLOW PROCESS OF GETTING TO KNOW YOUR CHILD.

4th paragraph to top of 3rd column
WHILE IT IS EASY TO FEEL PERSONALLY COMPETENT AND EMOTIONALLY "IN
LOVE" WITH A QUIET, CALM BABY WHO SMILES AND "TALKS" TO YOU, PARENTS
OF COLICKY BABIES OFTEN FEEL WOEFULLY INADEQUATE.  "Colic is a
terrifying introduction to parenthood, guaranteed tomake you and your
husband feel helpless, incompetent and exhausted," says Barrett.  "And
the unfortunate fact is that there's no safe, reliable cure other than
waiting until that magical point when the baby simply outgrows it."

pg. 64
Title:  Surviving Sniffle Season
Subheader:  WHAT TO DO FOR COLDS AND FLU
By:  Marlene Cimons

pg. 66		1st column	2nd paragraph
"Keeping your child's hands clean is always good advice," says Robert
T. Schooley, MD, head of the infectious diseases division of the
University of Colorado Health Sciences Center in Denver.  "But too
have your youngster wash his hands every time he touches another child
is not going to significantly decrease the number of colds he gets.
AND YOU DON'T WANT YOUR CHILD TO GROW UP WITH THE IDEA THAT EVERYONE
HE TOUCHES MIGHT MAKE HIM SICK."

Subheader:
WHEN INFLUENZA STRIKES

5th paragraph
FORTUNATELY, EPIDEMIOLOGISTS ARE USUALLY ABLE TO PREDICT WHICH
VARIATIONS ARE COMING, SO VACCINES ARE READY FOR THE ANNUAL FLU
SEASON, WHICH STARTS IN EARLY DECEMBER AND LASTS THROUGH MARCH.

Subheader:
HOW TO TELL WHAT'S WHAT

Subheader:
TREATING COLDS AND FLU

3rd column	6th paragraph
For the most part, colds and flu are nothing more than a seasonal
nuisance.  "PARENTS SHOULD KNOW THAT A YOUNGSTER WHO GETS LOTS OF
COLDS IS A NORMAL, HEALTHY CHILD, NOT A SICKLY ONE," DR. OSBORN SAYS.

8th paragraph
One day last winter, I tried to explain all this to my mother.  BUT
SHE JUST DIDN'T GET IT, OR SHE DIDN'T WANT TO.  I guess when you're in
your 80s tradition is stronger than science.

9th paragraph
"I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THAT CHILD GETS SO MANY COLDS," SHE
SAID.  "I never get colds anymore."

middle of pg. 69
Section:  Infants to 2-Year-Olds
Title:  Diaper Set
By:  Peggy Eastman

Subheader:
WORKING- EVEN RELUCTANTLY- CUTS STRESS

1st column	1st paragraph
WOMEN WHO SAY THEY'D RATHER STAY AT HOME WITH THEIR CHILDREN BUT WHO
GO OUT TO WORK ANYWAY WIND UP FEELING FULFILLED AND DOING WELL IN BOTH
ROLES, ACCORDING TO A STUDY BY PSYCHOLOGISTS AT OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
AND HOBART AND WILLIAM SMITH COLLEGES IN GENEVA, NEW YORK.  In
contrast, women who stay at home with their children but would rather
be ou working experience higher levels of depression than the other
group.

2nd paragraph
THE RESEARCHERS FOLLOWED 164 NEW MOTHERS TO SEE HOW THE DECISION TO
STAY HOME (AFTER MATERNITY LEAVE HAD ELAPSED) OR RETURN TO FULL-TIME
WORK AFFECTS A MOTHER'S MENTAL HEALTH.  They interviewed the women
after delivery and when their babies were eight months old.  THE
PSYCHOLOGISTS EXPECTED TO FIND HIGH LEVELS OF STRESS AND DEPRESSION
AMONG TWO DISTINCT GROUPS:  WOMEN WHO WENT AGAINST THEIR PREFERENCES
EITHER BY RETURNING TO WORK OR BY STAYING HOME.

2nd column	1st paragraph
WHAT THEY FOUND, HOWEVER, WAS THAT THE WOMEN WHO PREFERRED TO BE
WORKING BUT CHOSE TO STAY HOME REPORTED MORE SYMPTOMS OF STRESS AND
DEPRESSION- APPARENTLY AS A RESULT OF CONFLICT AND CONFUSION ABOUT
THEIR ROLES.

2nd paragraph
THE RESEARCHERS THEORIZE THAT THEIR SURPRISING FINDINGS MIGHT BE
EXPLAINED BY THE FACT THAT THE WORKING MOTHERS "RECEIVED PERSONAL
VALIDATION" BY THEIR ABILITY TO CONTRIBUTE FINANCIALLY TO THE FAMILY'S
NEEDS.  THEY DIDN'T EXPERIENCE CONFLICTS ABOUT THEIR ROLES AS MOTHER
AND BREADWINNER BECAUSE THEY WERE MAKING MEASURABLE CONTRIBUTIONS TO
THE FAMILY IN BOTH ROLES.  In contrast, women who wanted to work but
didn't felt psychological distress when they stayed home.

Section:  Infants to 2-Year-Olds
Title:  Diaper Set
Subheader:
A REWARD FOR PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION

bottom of pg. 69	1st column	1st paragraph
WITH THE HOLIDAY SEASON APPROACHING, IT'S TIME TO THINK ABOUT HOW TO
SHOW YOUR CAREGIVER JUST HOW MUCH YOU VALUE WHAT SHE DOES FOR YOU AND
YOUR CHILD.  In addition to getting her something personal- a bottle
of perfume, a scarf of a bonus check to buy whatever she wants- why
not let her know that you appreciate her dedication?

middle of pg. 70
Section:  3-to-5-Year-Olds
Title:  Preschool Report
By:  Eva Conrad

Subheader:
SHOPPING FOR A LITTLE EDUCATION

1st column	1st paragraph
For your preschooler, shopping can be wonderfully exhilarating and
educational.  "It may be commonplace to us, but making purchases can
feel brand-new to a young child," says Barbara Willer, PhD, Public
Affairs Director of the National Association for the Education of
Young Children.  "IF YOU FOCUS ON WAYS TO MAKE SHOPPING FUN FOR BOTH
YOU AND YOUR CHILD, YOU CAN RECAPTURE SOME OF THE WONDER."

4th paragraph
INTRODUCE YOUR YOUNGSTER TO THE IDEA OF SHOPPING AS AN EXCHANGE BY
ASKING HER TO HAND THE MONEY TO A CASHIER.  "Money can be an abstract
concept for preschoolers.  For example, it doesn't make sense to them
that pennies are larger but dimes are worth more," says Willer.  "They
can, however, begin to understand the idea that shopping is a
transaction."

2nd column	1st paragraph
CALL YOUR CHILD'S ATTENTION TO WAYS ITEMS CAN BE CLASSIFIED AND
COMPARED.  "How are these two shirts alike?"  Or, "These gloves cost
$7, and these cost $10.  Which costs more?"

2nd paragraph
A young child can scribble her own list, and once you're in the store,
she can check items off the list as you purchase them.  IN THIS WAY,
YOUR CHILD LEARNS THE IMPORTANCE OF THE WRITTEN WORD AS SHE LINKS THE
"WORDS" ON HER LIST WITH ACTUAL ITEMS IN THE STORE.

bottom of pg. 70
Subheader:
NEW BOOKS, BUT THE SAME OLD STORY

1st column	1st paragraph
"And the sweet little hen watched as the big, strong rooster saved all
the farm animals."  By now, such obviously sexist stories have surely
been eradicated from books fro preschoolers- right?  Not yet, says
Scott McDonald in a recent article in the Journal of Genetic
Psychology in which he reviewed picture books published between 1976
and 1987.  IN SOME BOOKS INTENDED FOR PRESCHOOLERS AND KINDERGARTNERS,
THE CENTRAL CHARACTERS WERE TWICE AS LIKELY TO BE MALE AS FEMALE.  And
the roles for male and female characters were overwhelmingly
traditional- females continue to be princesses, teachers and
housewives, or wicked witches and step-mothers, while males occupy a
wider variety of roles- from adventurers to rulers to woodcutters.

middle of pg. 72
Section:  6-to-10-Year-Olds
Title:  Elementary Years
By:  Dianne Hales

Subheader:
WAGING WAR ON WAR GAMES

2nd column	2nd paragraph
Help your kids draw their heroes with markers, pencils or paints, or
make action puppets out of paper and Popsicle sticks.  Since children
love to dress up, you can encourage them to make their own superhero
costumes and masks, too.  "DECIDING WHAT TO MAKE AND HOW TO MAKE IT,"
NOT CARLSSON-PAIGE AND LEVIN, "OFFERS LOTS OF OPPORTUNITIES FOR
COMPLEX THINKING, PROBLEM-SOLVING AND A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT."

bottom of pg. 74
Section:  11-to-14-Year-Olds
Title:  Tweens
By:  Hilary Cosell

Subheader:
SCHOOL'S OUT BUT MOM'S AT WORK

1st column	1st paragraph
The holidays pose enou`rmous problems.  YOU NOT ONLY MUST FIND TIME TO
SHOP, DECORATE AND COOK, BUT YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH
YOUR KIDS WHO ARE SUDDENLY OUT OF SCHOOL.

2nd paragraph
"There are two ways to go here," explains Margaret Plantz, PhD,
director of Project Home Safe, a national advocate group for latchkey
children sponsored by the America Home Economics Association and the
Whirlpool Foundation.  "The first is to find supervised care.  WE
THINK THIS IS PREFERABLE.  The second is to permit self-care, which
requires extra planning."

4th paragraph
IF YOU CHOOSE SELF-CARE FOR YOUR KIDS, DR. PLANTZ SUGGESTS SITTING
DOWN WITH THEM AND ASKING WHAT THEY'D LIKE TO DO DURING THE ONE OR TWO
WEEKS THEY'LL BE HOME ALONE.

Subheader:
COPING WITH KIDS

2nd column	2nd paragraph
HENRY IS OLD ENOUGH TO LEARN HOW TO PLAN AHEAD, BUDGET AND SHOP
WISELY.  Both the financial lesson and the gifts will mean much more
when the money comes from his own pocket.

3rd paragraph
HAVE HENRY LIST EACH PERSON HE WANTS TO GIVE SOMETHING TO, ALONG WITH
ONE OR TWO THINGS HE THINKS THAT PERSON WOULD REALLY LIKE.

4th paragraph
NEXT HAVE HENRY FIGURE OUT APPROXIMATE PRICES OF THE ITEMS ON THE
LIST.  Newspaper ads, store catalogs- even a trip to the mall- will
help him with these calculations.  When Henry coompares the total cost
to the money he has on hand, he'll undoubtedly come up short.  But
there are ways he can handle this deficit:

2nd column	4th paragraph
NEXT YEAR, REMIND HENRY TO GO THROUGH THESE STEPS EARLY IN NOVEMBER.
Then he'll have more time to budget his finances, make things or earn
extra money before he needs to shop.
				-Linda Albert

pg. 75
Advertisement:  Fisher-Price

Title:  THE FISHER-PRICE POST OFFICE CARRIES ON THROUGH RAIN AND COLDS
AND HAPPY TIMES.

1st paragraph
Little letter carriers are sure to give the Fisher-Price Post Office
their stamp of approval, because it gives them all the exciting
features they want.

2nd paragraph
Features like mail slots, package drops, P.O. boxes with keys, and a
safe with a combination lock.

3rd paragraph
All that, not to mention the mail itself.  Mail that includes
postcards and stationery to write on and wipe off.  A stamp dispenser
that pops out make-believe stamps.  And a red mail carrier for
round-the-clock deliveries.

4th paragraph
BECAUSE WE BELIEVE NOTHING SHOULD STOP A FISHER-PRICE LETTER CARRIER
FROM MAKING HIS APPOINTED ROUNDS.
WORKING MOTHER		November 1990
230 Park Avenue, New York, N.Y.  10169

pg. 76
Title:  "That Drives Me Crazy!"
Subheader:  LITTLE ANNOYANCES CAN RUIN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR
	CHILD'S CAREGIVER
By:  Nancy Balaban

1st column	1st paragraph
Every child care arrangement, whether in one's home, in family day
care or at a center, has the potential for many misunderstandings and
disagreements.  IDEAS ABOUT CHILD-REARING PROVOKE PASSIONATE OPINIONS
IN EVEN THE MILDEST PARENT.  No wonder mothers often drive caregivers
crazy- and vice versa!  Here are some common complaints and possible
remedies from both camps, starting with the caregiver's side of the
story.

3rd paragraph to top of 2nd column
As an early-childhood educator, I've spoken with many providers who
have been inconvenienced by parents' lateness.  ONE CAREGIVER ECHOED
WHAT OTHERS FEEL- "I'M A WORKING MOTHER TOO, AND I HAVE TO GET HOME TO
MY FAMILY!  PARENTS FORGET HOW HARD IT IS- PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY-
TO TAKE CARE OF YOUNG CHILDREN ALL DAY LONG.  I get worn out from my
job just as much as they do from theirs."

2nd column	1st paragraph
From the tone of this teacher's voice it's obvious that she feels more
than anger when parents come late.  SHE FEELS INSULTED- AND RESENTFUL:
"TARDINESS DEMEANS THE PARTNERSHIP WE'RE TRYING TO FORM WITH PARENTS.
And it's unfair; we don't get paid for overtime!"

2nd paragraph
WHAT TO DO?  THE BOTTOM LINE IS TO RECOGNIZE THAT YOUR LATENESS CAUSES
STRESS FOR A CAREGIVER.  Come right out and genuinely apologize for
it.  SAYING YOU'RE SORRY MAY NOT MAKE THINGS ALL BETTER, BUT AT LEAST
YOUR CAREGIVER WILL KNOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND HER SITUATION.  Offer to
pay an additional fee if you do not do so as part of your regular
arrangement.

3rd paragraph
Of course there'll be some situations you simply can't control, like
last-minute overtime work or transportation snafus.  So don't wait for
an emergency- set up a contingency plan for someone else to pick up
your child when this happens.  (BEFORE THE OCCASION ARISES, MAKE SURE
THE CAREGIVER IS CLEAR ABOUT WHO HAS YOUR PERMISSION TO PICK UP YOUR
CHILD.)  While there is no perfect solution for avoiding occasional
lateness, an upfront discussion will ease the tension down the road.

3rd column	1st paragraph
BEEF #2:  "MOTHERS DON'T TREAT US WITH RESPECT!"  MANY CAREGIVERS FEEL
THAT THEIR PROFESSIONALISM IS NOT APPRECIATED.  After all, most of
these women have had years of valuable experience with children.  ONE
TEACHER TOLD ME THAT THE WAY SOME MOTHERS TREAT HER MAKES HER FEEL
LIKE A SERVANT.  "They get angry if I can't locate a lost mitten or a
misplaced sweater!  It's hard to work positively with parents like
that," she said.

2nd paragraph
A family day care provider described a mother's unreasonable demand:
"She insisted that I keep her daugher indoors when the child wasn't
sick."  THIS WOMAN DIDN'T TRUST THE CAREGIVER TO JUDGE FOR HERSELF
WHEN IT WAS OK TO LET THE CHILD PLAY OUTDOORS.

3rd paragraph
Another mother asked her family day care provider to take her son to
the potty every half hour.  ACCORDING TO THE PROVIDER, THAT WAS
IMPOSSIBLE TO DO, AND IN HER OPINION, THE CHILD WASN'T READY TO BE
TRAINED YET ANYWAY.

4th paragraph
Demands like those produce indignation.  CAREGIVERS FEEL THEY DESERVE
MORE CREDIT FOR THEIR COMMON SENSE AND EXPERIENCE.

5th paragraph to top of pg. 78
WHAT TO DO?  REMEMBER THAT YOUR PROVIDER PROBABLY HAS MANY GOOD IDEAS
ABOUT HOW TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS THAT FACE YOU AND YOUR CHILD.  ASK FOR
HER ADVICE WHEN DIFFICULTIES ARISE, AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO MODIFY YOUR
REQUESTS SO THAT YOU AND SHE CAN WORK TOGETHER.  In the long run this
will benefit your child.  Kids feel better when they believe that
their parents and caregivers like and respect one another.

pg. 78		1st column	1st paragraph
BEEF #3:  "MOTHERS FORGET TO GIVE US IMPORTANT INFORMATION."  ANOTHER
MAJOR COMPLAINT IS THAT PARENTS DON'T TELL CAREGIVERS WHAT THEY NEED
TO KNOW.  "Some mothers just dump their youngster here in the morning
and run off to work, then grab him at pickup time and hurry away,"
reported one caregiver.  "SO I'M LEFT NOT KNOWING WHAT KIND OF NIGHT
THE CHILD HAD OR WHETHER SOMETHING IMPORTANT HAS HAPPENED IN THE
FAMILY THAT WOULD AFFECT HIS FEELINGS."

2nd paragraph
Some caregivers complain that mothers even fail to mention that they
are going off on vacation and leaving their child with a relative or
friend.  "IF I KNEW IN ADVANCE," ONE CAREGIVER EXPLAINED, "I WOULD BE
PREPARED TO HELP THE CHILD IF SHE BECAME WEEPY, SAD OR CONFUSED."

2nd column	3rd paragraph
WHAT TO DO?  WHEN YOU THINK IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE IN YOUR CHILD'S
ROUTINE, CALL AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO TALK OVER THE MATTER FIRST.
Try to find an approach both you and your caregiver can live with-
then stick with your end of the bargain.

3rd column	1st paragraph
Providers also say that sick children jeopardize the caregivers' own
health- and they can't afford to miss a day's work any more than other
parents can.  Nevertheless, caregivers sympathize with a mother who
must get to work even though her child doesn't feel well.
Unfortunately, they don't a solution for this problem.  THEY JUST
BELIEVE THAT IT'S NOT THEIR JOB TO CARE FOR SICK CHILDREN.

2nd paragraph
WHAT TO DO?  It's impossible to plan for a child's sickness.  PERHAPS
A DISCUSSION WITH YOUR BOSS WILL RESULT IN THINKING ABOUT WAYS TO PLAN
FOR TIMES WHEN YOUR CHILD IS ILL.  Perhaps you could work at home on
those days.  THE POINT IS TO THINK IN ADVANCE ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL DO.

Subheader:
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN

pg. 79		1st column	1st paragraph
BEEF #1:  "SHE DOESN'T APPROVE OF ME!"  MANY PARENTS WRESTLE WITH
GUILT WHEN THEY LEAVE A YOUNG CHILD IN SOMEONE ELSE'S CARE.  As one
mother told me, "It's easy to be paranoid about the parenting job you
are doing, especially when you feel that someone is checking up on
you."  Mothers are especially sensitive to criticism.  ONE WOMAN WHO
DRESSED HER BABY LIGHTLY ON A WARM DAY SAID, "I FELT INTIMIDATED AND
ANGRY WHEN THE CAREGIVER INSISTED THAT SARA NEEDED A SWEATER.  I KNOW
MY KID AND WHAT'S BEST FOR HER."

2nd paragraph
IN FACT, IT'S NOT EVEN UNUSUAL FOR A CAREGIVER TO DISAPPROVE OF A
WOMAN'S LEAVING HER INFANT OR TODDLER IN CHILD CARE IN ORDER TO WORK.
THAT FEELING SEESM TO COLOR HER OPINION OF THE MOTHER'S PARENTING
ABILITIES.  A friend of mine told me that her provider commented,
"You're just going back to work so you can buy a new car."

3rd paragraph
WHAT TO DO?  IT'S HARD TO AVOID FEELING TURMOIL WHEN SOMEONE
CRITICIZES YOU.  Do your best to cool off before you respond to
criticism, whether direct or implied.  Talk it over with a friend
first.  She's probably had a similar experience.  THEN AIM FOR
NEGOTIATION WITH THE CAREGIVER RATHER THAN CONFRONTATION.  Make it
clear that you'd like her to provide care as close as possible to
yours.  IF SHE CONTINUES TO BE JUDGMENTAL AND YOU FEEL IT IS BECAUSE
SHE DOESN'T APPROVE OF YOUR WORKING, YOU MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE
THIS:  "I FEEL YOU HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT MY PARENTING STYLE.  IN WONDER
IF IT'S BECAUSE I'M LEAVING SUCH A YOUNG BABY WITH YOU SO I CAN WORK."
Wait for her answer.  If she seems understanding, you can probably
talk the situation through.  Try not to be defensive.  GIVE HER THE
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, BUT IF TIME GOES BY AND YOU STILL FEEL SHE HAS A
DEEP-SEATED RESENTMENT TOWARD YOU, IT WOULD BE WISE TO LOOK FOR
SOMEONE WHO WILL OFFER YOU MORE SUPPORT.

4th paragraph
BEEF #2:  "I DON'T LIKE HER IDEAS ABOUT DISCIPLINE."  A mother
recently confided that while her family day care provider had been
wonderful when her son was an infant, she tended to be too restrictive
now that he was a toddler.  "I'M NOT HAPPY THAT SHE'S ALWAYS SAYING NO
TO HIM- AND EVEN `BAD BOY,' BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  This is a
common problem.  FREQUENTLY CAREGIVERS ARE TOO NEGATIVE TO TODDLERS
WHO ARE, BY NATURE, CURIOUS ABOUT THE WORLD AND WANT TO TOUCH
EVERYTHING THEY SEE.  They are sometimes made to sit in a "time-out"
chair simply for exploring.  Punishment in that case is really
inappropriate.

5th paragraph to top of 2nd column
WHAT TO DO?  Deal with the gripe right away.  DON'T LET GRIEVANCES
PILE UP- YOU RUN THE RISK THAT THEY MAY FLOOD OUT LATER OVER SOME
TRIVIAL INCIDENT.

2nd column	1st paragraph
The winning approach lies in looking together for the answer to a
particular problem.  Try this:  First, describe the problem without
blaming anyone.  SAY "MY CHILD IS UNHAPPY THAT HE HAS TO SPEND SO MUCH
TIME SITTING STILL.  HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE CAN'T PLAY WITH
CERTAIN THINGS."  Let your caregiver offer a solution; if you like it,
fine.  IF NOT, SEE IF SHE'LL CONSIDER YOUR SUGGESTION.

2nd paragraph to top of 3rd column
Here's the bottom line- you can look the other way on some issues, but
for things you care about, you've got to take a stand.  DECIDE WHICH
ONES AREN'T WORTH FIGHTING ABOUT.  Whether your child watches a little
TV, for example, may be less important than whether she is punished
for something as natural as investigating her immediate surroundings.

3rd column	1st paragraph to top of pg. 81
BEEF #3:  "SHE NEVER TAKES TIME TO TALK WITH ME."  MANY MOTHERS FEEL
THAT IT'S SO HECTIC AT DELIVERY AND PICKUP TIMES, THERE'S NO CHANCE
FOR AN EXCHANGE WITH THE CAREGIVER.  She is often distracted by
helping the children or by other parents.  One friend said, "I can't
take the time in the morning and chance being late for work.  After
work, my son doesn't have the patience to hang around while I try to
get his teacher's attention."

pg. 81		1st column	2nd paragraph
BEEF #4:  "I WISH OUR CENTER WASN'T SO PICKY ABOUT MILD ILLNESSES."
Many parents complain about the stress they're under when their child
gets slightly sick.  "The worst times," a mother told me, "are when my
son throws up at six a.m. or my daughter wakes up with a runny nose.
I KNOW THEY'RE NOT SERIOUSLY ILL, BUT THE CENTER GIVES ME A HARD TIME.
And since these minor upsets happen with my kids all the time, I can't
keep them home every time they're a little under the weather."

3rd paragraph to top of 2nd paragraph
WHAT TO DO?  BEFORE YOU ARRANGE TO SEND YOUR CHILD TO A PARTICULAR
CENTER, FIND OUT WHAT THE RULES ARE FOR DEALING WITH SICKNESS.
Usually, centers will not accept children with a fever of 101 degrees
or over, children who have diarrhea or children who have been
vomiting.

2nd column	2nd paragraph
BEEF #5:  "I'M WORRIED MY CHILD WILL LOVE HER MORE THAN ME."  MANY
MOTHERS I SPOKE TO WONDERED IF THEIR CHILDREN WOULD BECOME OVERLY
ATTACHED TO THEIR CAREGIVER.  "I HOPE MY DAUGHTER WON'T FORGET THAT
I'M HER MOTHER," SAID ONE PARENT.  Sometimes kids in family day care
homes even call the caregiver "Mommy" or "Mommy Alice."  No wonder
mothers secretly feel heartbroken.

3rd paragraph
WHAT TO DO?  FIRST OF ALL, REST ASSURED THAT YOUR CHILD WILL NEVER BE
CONFUSED AOUT WHO HIS PARENTS ARE.  CHILDREN FEEL ATTACHED TO THEIR
PARENTS EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE CARED FOR BY SOMEONE ELSE.  Don't worry-
you will not be usurped!

3rd column	1st paragraph
And don't forget that your child's affection for the caregiver is a
sign that he's happy with her.  THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU PEACE OF MIND.
DON'T BE SURPRISED, THOUGH, IF ONCE IN A WHILE YOU FEEL A LITTLE
COMPETITIVE- IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL.

Subheader:
AIM FOR TEAMWORK

2nd paragraph
LEARNING TO WORK TOGETHER ISN'T EASY.  IT DEMANDS GOOD FAITH AND
MUTUAL RESPECT BASED ON A BELIEF IN THE OTHER PERSON'S COMPETENCE.  It
means working hard at communication- being honest, friendly and open.

3rd paragraph
SO DON'T LET A BEEF COME TO A BOIL.  Set yourself to creating a true
partnership with your caregiver.  This takes time, but it can be done
if you meet each other halfway.  Teamwork will produce the best
possible care for your child.  And you can start bringing it about
today!

pg. 87
Advertisement:  Roman Meal

1st column	1st paragraph
WHEN YOU BELIEVE IN GOOD, SOUND NUTRITION AS MUCH AS ROMAN MEAL DOES,
YOU KNOW THAT GOOD EATING HABITS START WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG.

2nd paragraph
SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO, WE KNEW THT YOUR BODY NEEDED ROUGHAGE FOR A
HEALTHY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.  Today it's called insoluble fiber.  And
you'll still find a good, healthy amount of it in the wheat bran we
use in Roman Meal bread.

2nd column	1st paragraph
OF COURSE, IF YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO GET FIBER, YOU'D BETTER MAKE SURE
IT TASTES GOOD.  That's one reason why we still use honey in our
breads.  The other's because we like it ourselves.

pg. 98
Section:  Traveler's Advisory
Title:  Taking the Kids Cruising
Subheader:  SHIPS THAT CATER TO FAMILIES MAKE VACATIONS AT SEA EASY,
	FUN AND AFFORDABLE!
By:  Sarah Hutter

1st column	3rd paragraph
Cruising has become a family affair.  The all-inclusing price, the
special reduced rates for children and the long list of of on-board
activities for kids and parents alike have made family vacations on
the high seas affordable and fun.  In fact, families are now the
industry's best customers.  In a survey conducted by the Cruise Lines
International Association (CLIA) in New York City, 91 percent of the
people who brought their kids with them on a sea voyage rated their
vacation as extremely satisfying.  THIS MAY EXPLAIN WHY THE NUMBER OF
FAMILIES WHO CHOOSE TO CRUISE HAS INCREASED BY 15 PERCENT IN THE LAST
TWO YEARS- AND IS EXPECTED TO INCREASE EVEN MORE.

pg. 100		1st column	3rd paragraph
Some cruise lines cater to families more than others.  SO IF YOU'RE
THINKING OF TAKING TO THE SEAS FOR YOUR NEXT VACATION, DO PLENTY OF
RESEARCH BEFORE YOU MAKE RESERVATIONS.  There are questions you should
ask and things to consider.

Subheader:
FARE GAME

2nd column	3rd paragraph
TRAVEL OFF-SEASON.  If you avoid the summer months and holidays when
scheduling your vacation, you can take advantage of special off-season
rates.  Ships are less crowded then, which can be nice.  BUT CONSIDER,
TOO, THAT TRAVELING WHILE SCHOOL IS IN SESSION MEANS FEWER KIDS WILL
BE ON BOARD.  On some lines this may result i cutbacks or even
cancellation of the youth program.

6th paragraph
PREPARE FOR HIDDEN EXPENSES.  Drinks from the bar, on shore excursions
and babysitting cost extra.  YOU'LL ALSO BE EXPECTED TO TIP YOUR ROOM
STEWARD, DINING-ROOM WAITER, BUSBOY AND MAITRE D' ROUGHLY $3 EACH PER
ADULT PER DAY.

Subheader:
BE KID-CONSCIOUS

pg. 101		1st column	2nd paragraph
ASK ABOUT THE AGE BREAKDOWN OF THE YOUTH PROGRAM.  Some lump kids
under 13 in one group and teens in another, which can pose problems if
your 10-year-old doesn't want to be stuck with a preschooler.  IF
YOU'VE GOT A TODDLER IN TOW, FIND OUT WHAT THE MINIMUM AGE REQUIREMENT
IS FOR THE KIDS' PROGRAM- IN MANY CASES, IT'S FOUR.  YOU ALSO NEED TO
KNOW WHETHER THE YOUTH PROGRAM IS A YEAR-ROUND FEATURE OR ONE THAT
OPERATES ONLY WHEN A CERTAIN NUMBER OF YOUNGSTERS ARE ON BOARD.  Is
there a youth center that serves a home base?  Find out its hours.
Some close midafternoon, while others operate until late at night.

3rd paragraph
GET INFORMATION ON BABYSITTERS.  A limited number of sitters are
available on most ships, and usually on a first come, first served
basis.  Ask if they'll look after a child during the day as well as at
night- an important question if yours is too young for the youth
program.  AND FIND OUT WHETHER SITTERS PROVIDE CABIN SERVICE OR ARE
CONFINED TO PUBLIC AREAS.

4th paragraph
BABIES ON BOARD POSE SPECIAL PROBLEMS.  IF YOU HAVE AN INFANT, SEE IF
THE SHIP HS A DROP-IN NURSERY.  Big liners, like Cunard's Queen
Elizabeth 2, do, but most ships don't.  You'll also to need to know if
cribs, high chairs and booster seats are available (be sure to reserve
such equipment in advance) and if the ship's store sells formula,
diapers and wipes.  ALSO CHECK TO SEE IF CABIN LAVATORIES HAVE
BATHTUBS.

5th paragraph to top of 2nd column
GET THE FACTS ON FOOD.  Generally, ships have enough of a variety to
please even picky eaters.  WHEN YOU MAKE RESERVATIONS, YOU'LL NEED TO
DECIDE WHAT TIME YOU'LL WANT TO EAT DINNER.  Some lines, like Cunard,
have special early seatings for kids, allowing parents to eat by
themselves later.  KMost others require families to dine together.

Subheader:
HITTING THE DECK

2nd column	3rd paragraph
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ROOM SERVICE.  It's free, for one thing, and handy
when you sense that your youngster is not going to sit cheerfully
through a three-course meal.

pg. 106
Section:  Guilt Department
Title:  Why Are The Holidays Such A Headache?
Subheader:  I'M GOING TO CONCENTRATE ON MY FAMILY, INSTEAD OF
	FRANTICALLY RUNNING AROUND
By:  Roberta Israeloff

1st column	1st paragraph
Right after Thanksgiving, conversations with my children begin to
sound like this:  "Jason is getting his own television set for
Christmas.  Tim and his family are going to Disney World."

2nd paragraph
"THOSE PRESENTS ARE PRETTY SPLASHY," I TELL MY SONS, AGES NINE AND
THREE, REMINDING THEM THAT IN OUR FAMILY WE'VE WORKED OUT A FORMULA-
ONE BIG PRESENT ON THE FIRST NIGHT OF HANUKKAH, AND SEVEN LITTLE ONES
AFTER THAT.  But even our first-day gifts aren't televisions or trips.
"The holidays aren't just about getting things," I say next.  "They're
about family and friends and peace and rebirth and miracles."

4th paragraph
AND LATER, AT NIGHT, WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP, I REALIZE THAT I'VE BEEN A
FRIGHTFUL FAILURE AT IMBUING MY CHILDREN WITH THE TRUE MEANING OF THE
HOLIDAYS.  WORSE, I KNOW WHY I FAILED.  During the holidays, I forget
to "stay within myself."

5th paragraph
THAT'S THE PHRASE ATHLETES OFTEN USE REMINDING THEMSELVES TO RESIST
THE TEMPTATION TO OVERREACH, TO OVEREXTEND- TO WILDLY SWING FOR THE
HOME RUN WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SINGLES HITTER, TO PRESS FOR THE SLAM
DUNK WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR FORTE IS DEFENSE.  IN OTHER WORDS, THE GOAL IS
TO BE SATISFIED DOING WHAT YOU DO BEST.

6th paragraph to top of 2nd column
The holidays were always an intensely personal time for me.  Years
ago, when I was single, I spent the season singing in various choirs;
to reach out through music was a transporting experience.  After I
ment my husband, I gave up choral singing so I could be at home rather
than out every night during the holidays, but I found other ways to
keep active:  I threw myself intomaking gifts- afghans, sweaters,
scarves, breads and cookies.  I ALSO BEGAN DESIGNING HOLIDAY CARDS,
WHICH GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL I WAS VISITING WITH EACH OF MY
FRIENDS.

2nd column	1st paragraph
But ever since my children were born, the holiday season has become
less personal and more hectic.  EVERY YEAR, DESPITE MY RESOLUTIONS TO
THE CONTRARY, I FIND MYSELF GETTING CAUGHT UP IN A FRANTIC PACE.  I
THROW AND ATTEND PARTIES, I THINK OF PRESENTS TO BUY, EMBARK ON LONG
SHOPPING EXPEDITIONS, TAKE CLOTHES AND TOYS TO THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T
HAVE ENOUGH OF THEIR OWN- CONVINCING MYSELF THAT I AM SETTING A GOOD
EXAMPLE FOR MY CHILDREN, SHOWING THEM HOW TIRELESS I CAN BE IN THE
SERVICE OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

2nd paragraph
Of course, I am far from tireless.  The round of activities exhausts
me.  Our family has less impromptu time together than at any other
season.  I SNAP AT THE KIDS MORE THAN I MEAN TO.  AND I WAKE UP ONE
MORNING IN JANUARY, THE MOST DESOLATE TIME OF YEAR, FEELING HOLLOW:
THE KIDS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL, THE HOLIDAYS OVER.

3rd paragraph
THEN I HAVE PLENT OF TIME TO SIFT THROUGH WHAT WENT WRONG.  AND I
THINK THAT THE ANSWER IS NOT SIMPLY THAT I DID TOO MUCH, BUT THAT I
DID SO FOR THE WRONG REASONS.  IN PART, I FEARED LETTING GO OF MY
HOLIDAY TRADITION OF ACTIVITY.  After all, what's a tradition if not
that which stays constant through the years?  YET DWELLING ON WHAT I
SHOULD DO, WHAT IS USED TO DO, MAKES ME FORGET WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING.
NOW I SEE THAT TRADITIONS MUST ALWAYS RESPOND TO CHANGES IN OUR
EMOTIONAL PALLETTE; OTHERWISE, THEY DRY UP AND BECOME MERE OBLIGATION.

3rd column	1st paragraph
PERHAPS MY GREATER FEAR WAS IN ACKNOWLEDGING THAT BECAUSE OF MY
CHILDREN MY PHYSICAL ENERGY HAS DIMINISHED.  But if indeed my sights
have narrowed, they have also deepened.  Having children has enabled
me to understand the holidays as I never did before.

3rd paragraph
Still, I need to remind myself, the oil didn't burn forever; it ran
its course and burned itself out.  WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME IS THAT
MOTHERS HAVE TO BECOME MORE PROTECTIVE OF THEIR OWN TIME, OR THEIR
CHILDREN WILL GROW UP NOT KNOWING THAT ACTIVITY NEEDS TO BE THE
COUNTERBALANCE F REFLECTION- THAT AS THE DAYS GROW SHORTER, AS THE
YEAR RUSHES TO A CLOSE, WE HAVE A RARE OPPORTUNITY TO REFLECT ON WHAT
HAS HAPPENED AND WHAT IS TO COME.

4th paragraph
THAT I BE WITH MY CHILDREN DURING THE HOLIDAYS THIS YEAR- THAT I
RESIST MY TEMPTATION TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THE HOLIDAY MADNESS- FEELS
MORE URGENT THAN EVER.  Soon I'll have enough time on my hands to join
a local choir, or to make cards again.

5th paragraph
BUT THIS YEAR, INSTEAD OF PARTYING, BAKING, SHOPPING AND VISITING,
WHAT I'LL DO IS PULL MY CHILDREN CLOSE, AND WHO THEM THROUGH MY OWN 
HEARTFELT EXAMPLE THAT THE HOLIDAYS HAVE VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH GIVING 
OR RECEIVING; THAT THEY ARE LESS AN EVENT THAN A FRAME OF MIND; THAT
THEY ARE NOT ABOUT DOING, BUT ABOUT BEING- BEING TOGETHER, BEING AT
PEACE.

pg. 108 and pg. 109
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